Snack You Silly

Fun Fact: If you throw this treat into the sky, Batman will drive past you within minutes, searching for a crime to interrupt
Recommended T.O.E.: As soon as you see it, and then months after that, you may have another

“It’s fuckin’ crazy big.’”

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Fun Fact: Dollar Menu items actually cost $1.05
Recommended T.O.E.: Anytime before 11 pm, of course

“Brings a completely new meaning to ‘value meal.’”

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It is with considerable sadness that I must announce the departure of one our best and most loyal writers, Wes Kaplan, who has worked tirelessly to make snack reviewing his priority in the last few days. A statement from his publicist explained the move.

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Fun Fact: The currrent shape of Fruit Roll-Ups was inspired by a General Mills engineer sitting on the jon and deciding that Fruit Roll-Ups needed to be rolled up like toilet paper
Recommended TOE: When you’ve run out of real Fruit Roll-Ups

“We simply cannot and will not condone the molestation of snack formulas that aren’t broken.”

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Press release also includes the previously leaked album art

McDonald’s, the number one buyer of apples in the United States restaurant industry, recently took a break from flaunting its nonconformity to release the tracklist for its famed Dollar Menu. This is probably the most fucking exciting news to come out of McDonald’s headquarters in recent weeks.

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Fun Fact: Originally called “Brown Jug Toasted Corn” in 1936, this snack was devised to be given away for free in California taverns until a law was passed that made it illegal for bartenders to give away free food (no joke).
Recommended T.O.E.: Keeping with the “Brown Jug” tradition, try them any time after sunset with a PBR Tall Boy or Budweiser 24 oz. “Giant Can.”

“Domestic beer will only enhance its already-rich finish.”

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McCain USA’s new Appetizer Revolution “is all about thinking outside the ‘basket’ [sic, not box]. It’s a revolutionary opportunity to create menu magic with versatile, delicious products.” In the just released music video, McCain points out that his appetizer sales account for more than half of most restaurant sales. Also discussed in the video:

• fresh ideas
• applications across the menu
• practical, profitable solutions

Unfortunately we can’t embed the video in this post, why it’s not on YouTube is anyone’s guess. So visit this link and join the revolution!

Fun Fact: Oatmeal Creme Pie is the only manufactured product that didn’t drop from its 35 cent price during the Great Depression
Recommended TOE: After the dollar menu is over

“First bite: holy shit I’m saving the second half for the next draft.”

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Fun Fact: Burger King shares its surname with J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.”
Recommended TOE: Before, not after, a Purell High Five

“I know BK would prefer me not to compare their snack to Doritos, but I’m going to, because that’s my job.”

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Fun Fact: All beef?
Recommended TOE: After you drunkenly stumble upon the store

“As far as I know those things have been on those crusty rollers since the store was built.“

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