Snack You Silly

Fun Fact: All beef?
Recommended TOE: After you drunkenly stumble upon the store

“As far as I know those things have been on those crusty rollers since the store was built.“

I know it’s crazy, but for the first 18 years of my life I had never been to a 7-Eleven. That all changed about 6 weeks ago when I moved a block away from one of the shimmering neon giants, purveyors of fine goods ranging from cigarettes to the the newly launched Slurpuccino Remix, not to mention a wide variety of salty snacks. Long story short, I quickly found out that 7-Eleven is to this website what EB Games is to video game reviewers.

When I got their flyer in the mail a few weeks ago, it proudly displayed the company’s slogan on the very bottom, “7-Eleven, Oh Thank Heaven!”. This is pretty fitting considering that if you’re lucky enough to be as poor as I am, 7-Eleven is essentially a miracle sent down by god himself to insure that you can still enjoy eating out (I say this with the loosest of definitions, admittedly) without having to spend more than the miscellaneous coinage that has accumulated in the pockets of your unwashed jeans over the last few days.

Although the flyer I received contains lots of deals like 2 taquitos for $3 or “Pizza Smokies” for $2.69, the holy grail of all 7-Eleven bargains has to be the 2 Big Bite Hot Dogs for $2 campaign they have been running so far this summer. Despite the fact that I don’t particularly like hot dogs, I’ve eaten about 20 of these motherfuckers since I moved here and I don’t see myself stopping any time soon.

And they’re not even good. As far as I know those things have been on those crusty rollers since the store was built. The meat has the consistency of finely minced latex and if you’re one of the unfortunate saps who doesn’t enjoy the accompaniment of condiments, good luck getting over the fact that it tastes like a microwaved phallus sandwiched between two slices of Wonder bread. Also, there’s supposed to be a choice between a whole wheat and a white bun, but I’ve never been asked, although I guess if you’re eating ground snout it’s hard to get your panties in a knot over whether your bun has refined flour.

But I guess the taste isn’t really the point. The point is that you can roll up to your local convenience store and plunk down two $1 bills and end up with a meal that won’t cause people to think you shouldn’t be allowed to live unsupervised (like say, two bags of Doritos would). Don’t worry, 7-Eleven, the novelty of the $2 meal isn’t lost on me, and that’s why I will continue to devour these every time I need to stretch the dollars out before pay day. However, if you’re less worried about what people think of your ability to take care of yourself (or you’re above the poverty line), you would be better off spending this money on more delicious things. Like say, two bags of Doritos.

-Ryan Letourneau

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 19th, 2008 at 4:17 am and is filed under 2 Stars, Guest Writers, Meat. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.