Snack You Silly

Fun Fact: The currrent shape of Fruit Roll-Ups was inspired by a General Mills engineer sitting on the jon and deciding that Fruit Roll-Ups needed to be rolled up like toilet paper
Recommended TOE: When you’ve run out of real Fruit Roll-Ups

“We simply cannot and will not condone the molestation of snack formulas that aren’t broken.”

General Mills CEO: “That sucks! Next!”

General Mills Engineer: “Sorry sir, that’s all we have for today.”

General Mills CEO: “Well, fine, I would like to bring in my twelve-year-old granddaughter, she has better ideas than you idiots!”

Granddaughter: “I do have better ideas grandpappy, thank you. Gentleman, as you know, The ‘old’ Fruit Roll-Up design is old, overrated and boring.”

General Mills Engineer: “But it work-”

Granddaughter: ” Shut the fuck up! It’s my turn.”

General Mills CEO: “Oh, haha.”

Granddaughter: “You too, old man.”

General Mills CEO: “Oh sorry, pumpkin.”

Granddaughter: “Today, I’m introducing Fruit Stackerz. A new product that enables consumers to peel fruit circles off of a wax wrapper and stack them to create new flavors and fun towers of fruity goodness. It’s, innovative, delicious and we’ve replaced the ’s’ with a ‘z’ for obvious reasons.”

General Mills Engineer: “Why would we dilute our brand like this?”

General Mills CEO: “If you say one more negative thing to my granddaughter, I’ll have your entire family killed, John.”

Granddaughter: “Yes John, go get started on my new product now. Thank you.”

Fruit Roll-Up Stackerz weren’t supposed to happen and I imagine the conception of them happened at a meeting like the one I exemplified above. I acquired them through a coupon from a cereal box and have been regretting getting them for free ever since. The product itself is an absolutely terrible idea. You don’t get nearly as much candy as you do with regular Fruit Roll-Ups and they aren’t fun to “stack” at all. In fact, it’s downright stupid to even attempt to stack or enjoy these sticky stupid melted candy button look-alikes as they fail at everything other than the tried-and-true flavor of their parent, the original Fruit Roll-Up.

While changing up a brand and trying new things is certainly not discouraged by Snack You Silly, we simply cannot and will not condone the molestation of snack formulas that aren’t broken. Nice try General Mills, next time just come out with some retro packaging instead of a dumbass tower of fruit idea.

-Kyle Wallace

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 25th, 2008 at 4:49 pm and is filed under 1 Star, Fruit Per Se, Kyle Wallace. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.