Snack You Silly

Fun Fact: Dollar Menu items actually cost $1.05
Recommended T.O.E.: Anytime before 11 pm, of course

“Brings a completely new meaning to ‘value meal.’”

I don’t know of too many places that charge you a dollar just to read their menu, but McDonald’s has never played by the rules. An odd little 10 course meal, the Dollar Menu presents a challenge in cohesion that can only be tackled one item at a time.

1. Double Cheeseburger

Gotta hand it to them, except you can’t ’cause it’s so delicious. They could have just as easily made this first item the Single Cheeseburger or perhaps the Double Burger or EVEN the Uble Seburger, but then MacDo would not be the paragon of junkie filth. This is the kind of shit I’m talking about. All meals — breakfast, brunch or otherwise — should begin with the Double Cheese.

2. Four Piece Nugs

Wait, do they mean four pieces each with nugs? That seems kind of unnecessary, unless the shit they pack those pieces with are intended for the more introspective self searching Store Two-Four shopping denizens. Cause I’m happy to share my piece. Or maybe they mean four nugs for the piece, in which case — holy shit, very bold of them to be pretty much guaranteeing dissatisfied dealers who will have replenished their appetites and reordered the menu by the time they make it to the Apple Dips (more on that bullshit soon). Anyway all of this preamble turns out to be nonsense — the nugs in question are of the white meat variety and do not pack well. Also the piece is made of cardboard which is not something I’m sticking a flame to anytime soon. They do come with mesquite sour cream though which I think more of these Amsterdam culinary adventures could use. Who knew chix nugs could be so psychedelic? (For the record I actually did know but I refer more to my unenlightened readership.)

3. Small Fries

My childhood nickname comes back to haunt me, and now we are seriously tripping balls. Don’t even get me started on why as a youngster I was addressed plurally (yeah, my dad was born in Paris, but that has nothing to do with it).

4. Two Pies

Alright, now things have seriously gone down hill. Who the fuck is Two Pies? How can they expect you to want to eat that much bullshit. Also, it’s actually impossible to purchase a single pie, which is admirable on the Don’s part, but simultaneously disappointing.

5. Yogurt Parfait

This douchebag explains it all (using the voice talent of our own editor Ben Bernstein): “OK this is a lesson in layering. We’ve got, uh, granola on yogurt on fruit on yogurt. Or crunchy on creamy on fresh on creamy. It’s, uh, sweet plus refreshing.” Probably the truest words to come from a McDono’s Exec.

6. McChicken McGrillwich

Despite a poorly chosen name this keeps things moving. It’d be nice if it had cheese… something about a chicken patty on a bun with nothing but iceberg and mayo is way too reminiscent of school lunch. In fact the word “patty” is kind of disgusting to me now. Fuck this.

7. Salad

Toss the fucking salad. It didn’t come with dressing or a fork so I was forced to eat with my fingers. This shit was at least a day old too. Seriously who the FUCK goes to McDiesel’s for any kind of vegetable. French fries don’t count, assholes.

8. Small drink

Ah, the saving grace of the D Menu’s latter half. Fountain soda, your choice, free refills. This is how Andy Warhol wanted it from the start. Interestingly, the Dollar Menu takes 15 minutes to complete.

9. Hot Fudge Sundae

The motherfucking ice cream machine is broken. This had promise too.

10. Hash Browns

For reasons unexplained (and unchallenged) they serve me Apple Dippers (which admittedly cost a dollar but are not on the dollar menu) instead of hash browns. Maybe they were looking out for me, cause hash browns from Mickey Donald’s probably taste like ass and would have done everything possible to dismantle the sweet peace and refreshment the small drink brought me. So I roll with it. The slices are disturbingly small (eugenically engineered?) but still very sweet and juicy. Comes with caramel dip as well. What the fuck more can you really ask for?

All in all, I paid less than $10.00 and felt like a millionaire for at least half the time. So that’s like $500,000. Brings a completely new meaning to “value meal.”

-Kevin Khilds

This entry was posted on Friday, June 27th, 2008 at 1:00 pm and is filed under 2.5 Stars, Kevin Khilds, Meat. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.