Snack You Silly

Fun Fact: Cheesy Bread and Cinna Stix were introduced simultaneously in 2001, the same year that Wikipedia was founded
Recommended T.O.E.: After the witching hour

“The future of food.”

“But Luke,” you may ask, “how are you going to equate Domino’s to the European Union?”

“Oh, really good question,” I’d respond. “See, the E.U. is united by their common currency, the Euro. Every member nation uses it. Yeah, they use it for everything. Anywhere you go they’re using the same dough. They’re using the same dough for everything. Like Domino’s.”

Go ahead, you can rephrase that analogy as a joke and tell it to your friends and/or coworkers and tell them you came up with it.

—–

It’s no secret that everything on the Domino’s menu from the pizza to (maybe) the Buffalo Chicken Kickers comes from the same dough. And at no time is that more apparent then when you order both Cinna Stix and Cheesy Bread at the same time. One is sweet, the other savory. One comes with a dipping sauce made mostly of ejaculate, the other with Domino’s famous marinara. One has a little hint of spice for the ladies, the other comes with that extra garlic kick for all those people who want their weekends to be vampire-free. But despite the differences, there’s no question that your teeth are sinking into that same chewy, pleasantly uncooked-feeling dough with both products.

Cinna Stix scored lower than Cheesy Bread (the 2.5 above is an average of 2 for Cinna Stix and 3 for Cheesy Bread) because of its so-so flavor and lack of originality. Everybody has seen and eaten something dusted in cinnamon sugar, and frankly, it’s just passé*. That’s not to say that Cinna Stix aren’t good-tasting, though, because they are, moderately, and that’s what earned them the two. The cinnamon-to-sugar ratio is right on the money (unlike Cinnamon Toast Crunch, apparently), and the dough consistency is perfect; the downfall of the Stix’ is the cloying “icing” which comes on the side. Actually I don’t want to talk about it.

Cheesy Bread represents Domino’s at its best. Unlike Cinna Stix, the dough in this context has a soft, warming quality reminiscent of Bertucci’s fabulous rolls. The cheese on top is expertly melted, the ambiguous herbs add color (if nothing else), and the artificial garlic flavor pushes this creation over the edge of the flavor cliff. Dip this into the miraculously-unaffected-by-the-salmonella-outbreak-marinara sauce and you’re in pizza heaven. But wait, that’s just the thing. This isn’t pizza. It has the same dough, it has the same marinara sauce and cheese, but what you’ve got to realize is that Cheesy Bread is a hell of a lot more avant-garde** than pizza. It’s what those in the fine dining world might refer to as “deconstructed pizza.” It’s the future of food. And it’s here now.

So next time you hear somebody complain about Domino’s using the same dough for everything, smack them and challenge them to economize dough in a tastier, more creative fashion than this brilliant chain.

* passé: adj. [Origin: 1765–75; Fr., ptp. of passer to pass]- no longer fashionable, in wide use, etc.; out-of-date; outmoded

** avant-garde: adj. [Origin: 1475–85;]- in sense “vanguard”; unorthodox or daring; radical

(Definitions courtesy of Dictionary.com.)

-Luke Pyenson

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 9th, 2008 at 10:16 pm and is filed under 2.5 Stars, Baked Goods, Guest Writers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.