Every Burger
Fun Fact: The Every Burger is easy to steal if you don’t have money
Recommended T.O.E.: When real burgers just ain’t cutting it
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my years of snacking, it’s that people with dry mouths are idiots.”
In a newly conscious effort to embrace my race, I’ve decided to put aside the Doritos and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to take a transient dip into the spastic, colorful, poorly worded world of Asian snacks. But rather than boarding a plane to experience Asian snack cuisine first-hand, I hopped on my bike and hit the Asian grocery store, Beijing style. My Asian snack consumption usually rotates between Pocky, Botan Rice Candy, and Calbee Shrimp Flavored chips, but I was in the mood for something new, something daring, something more — ahem — postmodern. This is when I stumbled on Every Burger. A Japanese snack appropriating a Western construct? Don’t mind if I chew!
Every Burger’s contain two packages, both containing eight bite-sized “burgers” (16 burgers for $2.95) that sorta look like burgers, but certainly don’t smell or taste like them. Actually, they smell of processed ingredients and taste like simple chocolate cookie biscuits. This may not sound like the ideal trip for your taste buds, but these Every Burgers will whet your appetite, satisfy your cravings, etc. Besides, when’s the last time you had a fully organic, naturally-raised pattie on your plate? Shit’s usually processed anyway.
Unfortunately, the first package I had was after a big meal with a beer, not the ideal “snack time,” so the taste was a bit flat. My second tasting though was during the middle of the day, in between lunch and dinner, and it proved to be the “sweet’ spot for such a snack. The burger “buns” have a nice crunch, and despite their chemical-y nature, the crunch is complemented by the smooth chocolate tastes of the “cheese” and “burger.” It’s a really sweet, sort of pasty chocolate, but it does the job. Like so many other kid snacks, it would’ve been especially awesome if there was a sticker or tattoo or something included, but hey, the snack speaks for itself.
In all, the Every Burger is a delectible treat, but be sure to have a drink nearby (milk would probably be too much — I’d recommend water). The aftertaste isn’t bad, but it’ll dry out your mouth. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned through my years of snacking, it’s that people with dry mouths are idiots.
-Marvin Lin
