Dunkin’ Donuts Ice Coffee
Fun Fact: Ice Coffee is greater than or equal to Coffee Ice
Recommended T.O.E.: When you’re at Dunkin’ Donuts
“Best part of Double D’s ice coffee - aiming your straw at the ring of sugar at the bottom of the cup and sucking the grains through the cracks of my teeth (you read those pronouns correctly).”
“Kevin why are you looking up diarrhea?”
These words strike my ear’s floor tom and reverberate through my clothing (I’m wearing PJ pants under my work pants). My supervisor’s got bait on his breath and it’s only a matter of time before he answers for me.
“You meant to type gonorrhea.”
Phew. A lucky save, but probably the last time I’m going to get away with this shit at work.
Truth is, I’ve been doing a pretty good job as a newly self proclaimed coffee celibate. Caffeine stunts your growth (unless you’re Jackie Chan, who does his own stunts) and in general I like to put as few drugs in my body as I need to (since that mushy trip I forever associate global warming with iceberg lettuce). The worst of it - coffee is a serious diarrhetic and I prefer my poops to function as a pleasant break from my day, not a persisting hourly annoyance.
In spite of this I haven’t really been able to give up Dunkin’ D’s ice coffee. So every day I am faced with a choice - save my poop till before bedtime or play telephone tag with nature’s call (more like judgment call). Well today I relented. I love my dairy and those fucks know how to add cream to your coffee.
Best part of Double D’s ice coffee - aiming your straw at the ring of sugar at the bottom of the cup and sucking the grains through the cracks of my teeth (you read those pronouns correctly). Much more akin to coffee milk than straight up coffee which is how I like it. And you gotta drink it before the ice melts, and that happens faster than you can prepare yourself for.
So the lesson is: if you’re going to enjoy this stuff, plan your meals around it so you know what you’re getting yourself into. This stuff is a commitment, but on a hot summer day there’s not much more I can say to you.
-Kevin Khilds
