Snack You Silly

Fun Fact: Coffee ingestion on average is about a third of that of tap water in North America and Europe
Recommended T.O.E.: Before 5pm, please

“The bathroom breaks they induce are a welcome break from the cubical.”

“Stepping into an office building is a lot like stepping into a black hole: there’s no coming back. Until 5pm.” My dad would whisper these pearls of wisdom to me every night before bed. After his passing, I continue his dream by covering the walls of my office with inspirational posters featuring words like these. This phrase also serves as a great title page for Power Point presentations for potential clients, and has given me the mindset required to climb up the corporate ladder.

Another lesson I learned at a young age was that a company runs on one thing and one thing alone: coffee. “America runs on coffee, son” is what he used to say. Now working in a corporate environment myself, I can finally understand the truth behind this phrase. (Also: note the recent lawsuit I have filed for copyright infringement against a large doughnut chain regarding this slogan).

So a company is only as good as the coffee they serve. Employees often refer to it as “liquid motivation” or “jitter juice.” When in a bind with nowhere else to go, they turn to the coffee machine. Now, I cannot disclose to you which company I am associated with, but I can tell you that it may (or may not) involve three prominent letters of a certain famous scientific formula.

This company’s brewed beverage of choice is Douwe Egberts, served with “Wholesome Farms” individual creamers. Even after the days of Mr. Pasteur, I learned that the most important aspect of dairy products is their dependence on refrigeration. These bad boys take that idea, stand it on its head, and laugh in its face. This company takes full advantage of this innovation by supplying entire mountains-worth of warm creamers.

Though convenient, upon mixing, this creamer leaves small film-sediments on the top of your freshly brewed “power punch,” which are visually unappealing. Like cheap liquor, the first cup is not very good, but the more you drink, the better it seems to get. That being said, I do not believe any number of cups of this stuff can make it enjoyable or tasty, but rather more tolerable. However, the bathroom breaks they induce are a welcome break from the cubicle.

Citizens across America are troubled with the slumping economy and wonder “What can we do about it?” I leave you with this challenge: try a cup of this coffee, look yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself this question: is the recent economic downfall a result of poor economic choices, or simply the result of bad coffee?

I think you’ll know what to do from there.

-Tim Cronin

This entry was posted on Friday, August 8th, 2008 at 2:30 am and is filed under 1 Star, Guest Writers, Misnomer. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.