Snack You Silly

“Some hasty suggestions for the snack powers that be.”

The word “snack” could have served many purposes. When pondering a world slightly different from our own, one might imagine “snack” being the past participle of “sneak”, or an onomatopoeia for the impact of a tree branch against an inept cyclist’s face, or even Mexican slang for “white pussy”.

But, thank goodness, we live in a world of delectables both sweet and savory, crunchy and smooth, all of which fall under the umbrella of the powerful word “snack”. No, John Lennon. The word isn’t “love”, you silly goose. It’s “snack”! But, like the Catholic Church at its pre-Reformation peak, this conceptual obelisk of culinary power and authority has its weaknesses. “Blasphemy!” I picture you shrieking. And in response to that ridiculous claim I simply need to point out that you’re the one reading this crap, either on the couch in your skid-marked underwear or at a demeaning job you’ve grown to hate. So, like a Sugar Daddy or a Push Pop (delicious snacks, both), I cordially invite you to suck it. The snack power-failures I speak of lie in the lack of tasty treats that combine seemingly disparate qualities.

Picture this scenario: It’s the first of January and, after a night of heavy drinking and ever heavier not-getting-laid, you and some tattered pals stumble to the nearest diner. Despite your best efforts, the maple syrup from your pancakes lurks across the plate and slowly surrounds a slice of bacon. And upon tasting this piece of bacon you find that it is like none you’ve ever had before, the saltiness of the melted pork fat playing off of the thick sweetness of the syrup in a hi-fi stereo symphony of tongue-gasmic delight. Even our friend Agent Dale Cooper, of Twin Peaks fame, had it nailed when he noted, “Nothing beats the taste sensation when maple syrup collides with ham.” So why, then, is there no such product at my local Price Chopper? If you start selling individual pieces of hot, crispy bacon with a maple syrup dipping cup you’ll have at least one customer. THIS GUY! (Author points to himself)

But sometimes the qualities that available snacks lack do not lie in the realm of flavor, but rather in that of texture. I personally love pretzels due to their acquiescent crispness, but am unusually unimpressed by their flavor. And I also love a good Puttanesca sauce, but am often irked by its inherent sloppiness. So, Gods of Snack, where the heck are my delicious Puttanesca-flavored pretzels? It’s time to get with the effing program, brohammers.

I’d also like to see a bit more innovation in the realm of snack temperature. Why is it that we, paying customers, are forced to modify our own foods in order to optimize their flavor and consistency? Putting Charleston Chews in the freezer, microwaving Dr. Pepper, letting pizza cool in the fridge over night? Every snack-changing action on our part betrays a failure on the part of the snack manufacturers.

Here are some hasty suggestions for the snack powers that be:

1) In one idyllic scenario I’m picturing a hot steaming mug of….wait for it……MELTED FUCKING CHEESE! That’s right. I want my extra-sharp cheddar brought to a near boil and served to me with garlic bread sticks for dipping. Is there such thing as a tongue boner? I think I just got one. Wait, two. For the rich, bleu cheese can surely be melted down as well. And for the listless and destitute, hows about a piping hot mug of government cheese! You’re welcome.
2) OR, how about little cubes of frozen soy sauce with a hint of wasabe and ginger? As this treat melted it would be as if a sushi restaurant were slowly coming alive, in your mouth! The world of potential frozen foods is far to vast to be fully discussed here but, suffice to say, it contains countless delights that future generations will no doubt enjoy on a daily basis.

3) Hard-boiled egg on a stick with an accompanying packet of salt/pepper/bacon bits powder.

4) Beef jerky that somehow freshens your breath.

5) Marshmallow Peeps with a thin yet hard outer shell, not unlike that of M&Ms.

6) Pie that gets you drunk.

So, jokers at Hostess, Nabisco, and Hasbro, I’m officially urging you to put on those thinking caps and get me a steaming mug of cheese and some whisky pie on the double!

-Andrew Flint

This entry was posted on Monday, January 5th, 2009 at 3:42 pm and is filed under Andrew Flint, Life in the Snack Lane. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.